G-Force

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

Home appliances are about to cause global chaos, and highly trained guinea pigs are our only hope. Well, not really. We have the Marines, the Army, the Navy Seals, Home Depot, and much more. But this is a movie by Disney, so them guinea pigs will have to do for now.

Okay. What we’ve got here is a Disney movie with talking pets as the main characters. With that knowledge, we’re gonna need a chubby one for the cute factor, which is Hurley. A little romance is mandatory, which is made possible by Juarez. Of course, we need someone for the laughs. That is why Blaster is here. A team like this needs a leader, Darwin. And a movie like this needs fart jokes. At least two of them. No questions asked.

The entire purpose for everything we see in “G-Force” revolves around a single thought, and that is we get to see guinea pigs do stuff that they aren’t supposed to do. That involves parachuting, scuba diving, fighting evil coffee machines, farting (at least twice), and my personal favorite, driving away from the F.B.I. in round little objects that are much faster than vehicles made for humans.

Let me further elaborate on that scene because I finished reviewing “G-Force” two paragraphs ago. Throughout the film, The FBI tries to comprehend them guinea pigs instead of actually, you know, contacting Home Depot, or something. And they do a really bad job at it. During my favorite scene, there is an interesting line. An F.B.I. agent asks his partner, “You’re driving a V-8 (something supposedly fast), how can a bunch of rodents on plastic wheels outrun you?” That is actually a good question, but I guess the FBI was never trained for times of wanted rodents, so let’s move on.

Another thing: Why do these guinea pigs run around with so many gadgets during their missions? Wouldn’t that be suspicious? Imagine you have a top secret weapon just lying in your living room, and you stumble on a guinea pig approaching it that’s covered with more technology than fur. Wouldn’t your instinct tell you to step on it? Wouldn’t you grab the nearest pointed object and plan your attack?

When one can make a movie out of simple cuteness, and when that movie grossed almost 300 million dollars worldwide, a sequel might be near. And if it does happen, I suggest a change of tactics. Them rodents must be stripped of all equipment, and undergo all their missions looking like “normal” guinea pigs. When the bad guys see them creeping their way towards the “item”, they just drop down on their butt. To get rid of all suspicion, they act normal and start licking their privates, preferably not during one of the required fart jokes.

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G-Force