I Am Number Four

Rating: Zero Stars

“I Am Number Four” is an insolent and oblivious lump of trash that has been reused and recycled by countless studios controlled by cash-chugging dimwits. Even the most careless of eyes won’t fail to notice its touches of unacceptable stupidity. The movie is so incompetently made that it doesn’t even meet the incredibly low standards of a Dumb Action Movie. “I Am Number Four” is significantly lower than that.

The story revolves around a hunky, probably shape-shifting alien who is on a crucial mission to, uhm… Forget it. I have no idea what this is about. Why I can’t tell you the movie’s plotline may not exactly be my fault. In an earlier scene, Number 4, the alien, makes use of quick, lazy narration in an attempt to explain to us his past life, present predicament, and future threats. What we know is that he was originally from the planet Loraine, which was destroyed by the douchey Mogadorians. Nine children, blessed with extraordinary powers, were able to escape and flee to Earth with one guardian assigned to each of them. Number 4 was one of the children. The others are Number 1, 2, 3… and so on.

Number Four and The Girl

What we don’t know are these: How did the Numbers travel to Earth? Why Earth? How did they land here without getting noticed? Why do they look like us? Can they change their appearance? How long have these invading imposters been here? What do they do for a living? Why do the Mogadorians want them dead? How did the Mogadorians land here without getting noticed? Since they’ve already killed Numbers 1, 2 and 3, how were they able to operate in stealth while basting their alien cannons in all directions? Why does Number 4 enroll in a school after finding out that the Mogadorians want him dead? Shouldn’t he be busy with more important things? Does this movie have a subtle message that school should be prioritize above everything else? Or is just because aliens like to study real hard?

A Mogadorian

While we try to figure these things out, Number 4 has gone under the name, “John Smith”. We follow him as he picks up his class schedule and finds his designated locker, where he meets The Girl. Also, he comes across a douchey football player. So, here he is, an extra-terrestrial being with extraordinary powers, capable of feats no human has achieved before, and the movie is diligent in showing us his conflicts with the school bully. Yes. In between Number 4’s encounters with the bully and the girl, we briefly cut to 30-second snippets where the Mogadorians are simply onscreen. This is to remind us that they are real villains, and not the douchey football player. In one scene, they are seen shopping… in a supermarket. In another scene, they are seen driving… a car. Yes. “I Am Number Four” does not set any stakes, nor does it point to any direction, nor does it gives us any reason to care. This prime example of clueless filmmaking becomes more evident in the transition of numerous scenes, which is set up through, oh dear, text messages.

Number 4 is played by a dude named Alex Pettyfer. He is one of those actors who once realized that he might have a career in Hollywood after one too many sessions with his mirror. Robert Pattinson seems a lot less bad after we see Mr. Pettyfer. The Girl is played by Dianna Agron. Why I literally can’t remember the name of her character may not exactly be my fault.

If you don’t mind, I’ll go ahead and skip to the movie’s climax. This is the part where you should correct me if I’m wrong. Number 6 arrives to lend 4 some help against the Mogadorians. During this sequence of badly choreographed fights and second-rate special effects, a portion of Number 4’s earlier narration came into mind. He was specific when he informed the audience that the Mogadorians must kill the Numbers in ascending order. So, if the Mogadorians are to succeed, they would have to kill 4, find 5 while trying to avoid 6, kill 5, go back to 6, then kill her. If I was a Mogadorian, I’d be worried if 9 arrived instead of 6. All these Numbers have worn me out. I think I’ll end this by stating that “I Am Number Four” might be the first movie ever where it would suck to be #1.