Rating: ★★★☆☆

Movie fans have not taken enough time to appreciate the importance of intestines in Hollywood. Aside from taking out our “trash”, intestines provide instant gore, are easy to manufacture, and are a lot more versatile than you think. “Machete” enforces this thought when the character of Danny Trejo (SPOILER) takes them long innards from a poor henchman to swing from one hospital floor to another, eluding capture. (END SPOILER)

The rest of “Machete” draws similar reactions one would release from seeing the scene described in the previous sentence. It is dumb and it is stupid, but it is aware of it. I’ve always believed that dumb movies can be enjoyed if it embraces its stupidity with wit, humor, and an awareness of an audience waiting to be entertained. If you think that the use of intestines as an escape route will appeal to you, then chances are, you will like this movie.

“Machete” stars many popular actors, and two of them deserve special mention. First is Steven Seagal. No, this was not released straight-to-DVD. He isn’t here much, and has only two crucial scenes. That won’t be an appropriate description though, since hardly any scene in “Machete” can be considered as, “crucial.” There is a large time gap between those scenes, and during that gap we see Mr. Seagal appear on a TV screen to remind us that we are in fact watching a movie that has Steven Seagal in it.

Next is Lindsay Lohan. No, this isn’t TMZ. Here, Lohan plays a horny rich kid who looks old enough to graduate college and high enough to enter rehab. Also, she gets to shoot a gun. Take away that damn gun and she’d be here autobiographically.

And oh, before I forget, “Machete” is both a revenge film and an exploitation film. Now that I’ve said that, I can say that almost anything that can pierce, slice, burn, and scrape through human flesh is used as a murder weapon. These devices are used so effectively that the guns are jealous, whose bullets only seen to hit glass and wall when aimed at our heroes. Examples of these weapons include katanas, surgical tools, gardening tools, heels, furniture decorations, and of course, machetes. This movie loves variety in violence so much that by the 57th kill, I was offended that they never used the kitchen sink.

“Machete” is directed by Robert Rodriguez, who also directed “Planet Terror.” I have noticed a curious similarity in these two films. In “Planet Terror”, the assault rifle attached to Rose McGowan’s thigh needs not a trigger, and shoots immediately once pointed at an enemy. In “Machete”, when the camera focuses on a flammable or combustible object, the object senses it’s on-screen moment, retaliates, and explodes. In movies directed by Robert Rodriguez, things develop a mind on their own, which is very good news for Lindsay Lohan.

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