Piranha 3-D

Rating:

Mindless horror movies have an undying appetite for the youth, for they are fresh meat. This reflection reached its truest form in “Piranha 3D”. As you may already have guessed, flesh-eating piranhas are on the loose. The bastards will eat through human flesh within seconds. Seconds. We’re gonna need lots of teenagers.

A mild earthquake has just shook Lake Victoria. It is a special earthquake for it is weak enough to keep a boat from overturning but strong enough to cause a giant crack at the lake bed. Anyway, the person on the boat is played by Richard Dreyfuss, who is calmly humming the words of “Show Me the Way to Go Home.” He is lucky to have survived the quake, and would love to continue humming the rest of that song. Unfortunately for him (and lots of teenagers), beneath that damn crack is a pack of prehistoric piranhas. They are very hungry.

I will not go further into that scene. Meanwhile, it is now college spring break, and lots of teenagers are partying on the beach where there is, you know, water. (There is a small role for Eli Roth.) A small pack separates from the party for they have plans of their own.

Let’s take a quick observation. Starving piranhas are on the hunt. Teenagers are on the beach. What we’ve got here is an impending massacre, and director Alexandre Aja constantly teases the audience of the scene that cannot not happen. “Piranha 3D” often takes us back to the beach party to simply remind us that is it still there. And when we aren’t there, we are taken to the mandatory scenes that play out in movies that involve Killer Animals.

For instance, when a local sheriff caught one of them piranhas, it is immediately brought to the person who is an expert on the subject. This character is played by Christopher Lloyd, who acts and talks like a mad scientist. It is in this scene where everyone, including the audience, is informed about the serious danger that can be caused by the Killer Animal.

Once the threat is established, the local authorities arrive at the beach party in an attempt to stop it. Skip a couple of mandatory scenes and we are presented with one of the goriest slaughter fests among films that have somehow managed to get a wide theatrical release. The type of injuries and fatalities seen here are the kinds one would get when thrown into a giant blender.

“Piranha 3D” has a specific audience, and those who do not belong to that audience will see this as a One Scene Movie, and I can’t even assure if they’ll appreciate that scene. But how will one know if they do belong? Right above, you saw the names of Richard Dreyfuss, Eli Roth and Christopher Lloyd. Did you recognized them immediately, and experienced sweet nostalgia?