Priest PosterRating: ½☆☆☆☆

Bear with me. This shouldn’t take long.

A long, long time ago, there was a war between the humans and vampires. Those fanged bloodsuckers happen to be very strong, and mankind was forced to retreat within the protected city of the Church. In come the Priests, a group of specialized warriors who can slay the vampires so fast and easily, they could have arrived before mankind was threatened to extinction.

Before I continue, I feel that I must inform the younger generation that these vampires neither sparkle nor lust after a woman who can be described by rearranging the word “lust.”

Anyway, the Priests don’t kill all the vampires. For some reason, they think it would be wise to keep them inside prisons they call “reservations.” Reserved for what? These security centers are complete with underground cells so the vampires could plot their comeback without having to worry about the scorching and fatal sunlight. The engineer who designed the reservations may have a hard time getting hired for future projects.


Flash forward. We continue the story in a futuristic time where motorcycles are now fast enough to outrun speeding trains. (Either that or trains must be really slow this time of year.) So our hero is one of the Priests. His name is, uhm, Priest. Later, we meet a female Priest named, uhm, Priestess. Curious about the names of the other Priests, I checked out IMDb. There’s Brave Priest, Strong Priest, Bold Priest, and my favorite, Flashback Priest. Hey, either that or IMDb is lying to me.

Priest, who is portrayed by Paul Bettany, is a hero so typical these days I’m surprised Jason Statham didn’t play him. And oh, the villain is Black Hat. We call him that because he wears a.

And oh, there’s this one scene where Priest and another character too boring to mention passes through a few deserted buildings in the middle of nowhere. Not the best choice for business, I know. Must be the work of the same engineer responsible for the reservations.

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