Red Riding Hood

Rating: ½☆☆☆☆

So this is what you get when you insert the Twilight characters into a children’s fairy tale. “Red Riding Hood” is a wannabe horror movie starring dumb and lifeless teenagers who are tremendously drunk with hormones. Alcohol may produce better behaviors.

The setting is a medieval village in the woods. A girl named Valerie stands out from the crowd because she wears a bright red cape and because she is played by Amanda Seyfried. Right across her is Peter, the hunky wood chopper. His face appears to be stuck in a state of no emotion. Even when he’s really mad, we can’t feel a single thing. I think it’s a talent.

Peter is like a less pale and less sparkly version of Edward Cullen, whose hair is so perfectly in place we begin to think real hard as to where he got his hair care merchandises. In a scene where Valerie and Peter are about to part ways, Peter steps backwards real slow, making sure that she gets a good look at his pretty face. Why Valerie, what vain men you have.

We try to look away from this repugnant romance, but all we see is the jealous Henry. You see, Henry also has an interest for Valerie, which makes life all the more difficult for the girl. Now a love triangle is formed, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you, dear reader, suddenly remember Twilight. “So if Peter and Valerie are, like, Edward and Bella, then I guess Henry is, like, Jacob?” A-ha! If so, then I must say that I already prefer Henry, because at least he actually has the decency to keep his shirt on. 

I must also say that a hungry werewolf is terrorizing the same medieval village. It’s hard to believe, but yes. While these youngsters stare, flirt and drool in the name of love (lust), a deadly beast roams the night in search for its latest human dinner. I, for one, identify the werewolf as a good thing. If them bastards are capable of living out their sexual fantasies during a werewolf threat, how much worse would they have behaved without it?

But no worries. Father Solomon (Gary Oldman) has arrived, a well-known hunter of the woods who specializes in putting down werewolves. He has brought with him a few henchmen, some weapons, and a hollow, metal elephant. Again, hard to believe, but yes. Why does this werewolf hunter have an elephant-shaped steel device? What does he plan to do with it? Is it for the werewolf’s inconvenience? Will they even be able to fit that darn beast inside the elephant’s small opening? What does the teenagers think of all this? Should they place their trust into Father Solomon?

Mr. Solomon’s credibility has been considerably lowered due to his fetish for hollow, metal elephants. Even his werewolf-catching techniques are unsure. At his arrival, he informs everyone that the werewolf is what one of the villagers turn to when a full moon occurs. He uses Valerie as bait and waits for the beast. This is all wrong. Why not just gather all the villagers in a circle during a full moon? Whoever turns to a werewolf will finally give Father Solomon the shot to make use of his hollow, metal elephant.

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Red Riding Hood