Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Rating: Zero Stars

I spent almost two hours of my life waiting in line to buy a ticket for this darn movie. That was a much better experience than watching this darn movie. “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” is the worst American movie I have ever seen since I saw “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” Like murder and adultery, both movies have no right to exist.

For the third straight film, the Autobots and Decepticons are once again on a race for the possession of… something. The Autobots must find it before the Decepticons… or else. Let me ask you something. Does it really matter what they’re after? Would it make much of a difference if I told you they were fighting for a washing machine? Not really, because its only purpose is to provoke these robots to pound each other relentlessly until one of them lose their head. That last sentence might sound like the entire blueprint for “Dark of the Moon”, but I assure you that there’s actually a plot this time. *wink*

Before we get to that, I must first state the obvious fact that Megan Fox’s Mikaela has been replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s Carly. Different characters, but both are just about as irrelevant. Now how can I describe Carly’s role in one sentence? We get a long and carefully planned shot at her panty-covered butt before we get to see her face.

Anyway, the year is 1961, and a space ship has crash landed on the moon. The U.S. military has kept this information as a secret from all mankind. But when Optimus Prime learns about it, he rushes to the moon and finds the unconscious Sentinel Prime.

Meanwhile, Megatron has been hiding somewhere in Africa since the last movie ended. His head is missing a massive chunk, which might explain why he’s so grumpy all the time. I know what you’re thinking: “Why in the hell is Megatron hiding somewhere in Africa?” Maybe Michael Bay thinks that no one could ever possibly see him there? After all, he’s only a giant alien robot. Also, he’s wearing some sort of cape. We can’t really judge him for this fashion statement. Have you ever spent years under the hot sun preparing your next evil plan to conquer the universe while managing a splitting headache?

Anyway, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is trying to find a job. For about half an hour, we watch him reach for employment while his Mom releases a second joke in this franchise that involves Sam’s… penis. None of these feel important, you would think, if the universe is once again in danger, but Michael Bay disagrees. If this is his response to “too many explosions”, then all is lost.

Soon, but not soon enough, Sam re-teams with the Autobots. In this reunion, he learns about Sentinel Prime, who is revived by Optimus. Thankfully, Sentinel speaks fluent English like all the other giant alien robots, and he explains to us that they must race for the possession of… pillars… which are eventually used by the Decepticons to summon lots of fellow Decepticons from the moon.

The final act of the movie features a climax so unendurably long, so unbearably agonizing, and so undeniably stupid, only a man of Michael Bay’s legacy would dare film it.

Hundreds of Decepticons have overtaken Chicago, and the central pillar that controls all the other pillars must be…? It is publicly displayed on top of a Chicago building, just waiting to be shot at. The ones assigned to take it down are a group of soldiers with a bazooka. Yes, a transformer could have easily destroyed it, but no worries. Our soldiers leap from helicopters and soar down the city through wingsuits. They use those wingsuits so well we wonder why they didn’t land close to the target. Oh well. They walk the rest of the way.

Yeah, the previous paragraph is a little unproductive, but at least we finally discover the weakness of almighty Optimus Prime: Steel Cables. Yes. Prime, who was so badass in the climax of the last movie, seems a little rusty here. He flies directly to a set of steel cables that were just, oh you know, hanging around. While Optimus literally rests in the clutches of those darn cables, a bombardment of inconceivable action sequences plague the screen.

It’s rather difficult to distinguish the bad robots from the good robots, especially during scenes when Carly’s cleavage dominates most of the framework. So, Michael Bay has invented an ingenious way for us to tell those robots apart. The Autobots are color-coded, while the Decepticons are always either grunting, salivating, or shooting at innocent civilians.

Am I forgetting something here? Oh yeah. One last thing: There’s also this Decepticon called Shockwave. What Shockwave does is that he commands an enormous, worm-like, drill-happy transformer while he stands still and tries to look threatening. We see him in an earlier scene before the hundreds of Decepticons arrive from the moon. The logical thing to assume here is that he was hiding, or resting, during the two movies that came before “Transformers: Dark of the Moon.” So where was he hiding? Not in Africa for sure. Megatron was there first.

I enjoyed the original “Transformers” for what it had to show. What I don’t understand is how we are asked to find enjoyment in a louder, longer, and dumber version of the same mechanical carnage. An auteur like Christopher Nolan and a newcomer like Duncan Jones show great trust in their audience by making movies that are both tremendously entertaining and intellectually challenging. Michael Bay forcefully and sloppily combines frames, scenes, and sometimes entire stories of incomprehensive randomness and just hopes that we’re stupid enough to miss his strokes of unforgettable idiocy. Michael Bay isn’t simply just a bad director. He’s quite an asshole, too.